To Be Honest...

I've calmed down a little bit since yesterday, although it is still pretty hard to keep my head on straight right now. To find peace the surpasses everything.

I've held back a lot in how I am really doing and feeling about this new situation. Honestly, due to fear of man and what people might think of me.

If you have kept up with our baby blog since day 1, then you know my greatest heart's desire is to have our baby safely. Whatever it may take. I wrote a note on facebook letting everyone know what was going on and not all of the responses and messages were encouraging. Causing me to be thankful that I didn't express more of the honest feelings going on inside of me. Which now I realize is pretty lame, because it is what I am feeling. What good does it do to deny them or keep them in?

I felt as though people judged me yesterday for asking for prayer for a natural delivery. That was hard for me, because obviously my heart is to have a safe delivery first. I hope you can all see that and I didn't come across as being selfish.

I was afraid to express my questions and fears, but today I am going to do just that. Because I need to.

So, to be honest...

When I first heard the news my stomach dropped and it took everything in me not to cry until we left the Doctor's office. I made it out the door and then came the tears.

I was thankful that our baby is doing amazing despite his/her super tight quarters, but was really hoping they would tell me everything was ready and we would be meeting our baby soon.

During our birthing classes they had us take double sided cards, one side would say something like epidural and the other would be the opposite, so in this case; natural, and they had us lay out our ideal birth plan. After that, they had us flip 3 cards over that we would be okay with changing. After that they had us flip 3 more cards, which really made my heart drop to think about. Our instructor told us to really think about the possibility that our birth plan "A" and even "B" could be tossed out the window due to circumstances. It was hard, but really good for us to think through. Yesterday I felt like we'd totally lost our birth plan and I couldn't help but feel disappointed.

I am left really trying to trust God in all things, which is already hard for me. I feel like I've been on this journey of learning to trust Him in everything my whole life and sometimes I feel like this journey gets harder and harder.

It's hard to understand. Why is it that sometimes our heart's desire doesn't come to fruition?

My heart's desire was to have an all natural home birth. We began with such a wonderful midwife who not only respected my birth plan but supported it as well. When we found on that I had Group B Strep (at 6 months), Ted really felt like we should transfer and do a hospital birth. I trust Ted so much, that he hears God and knows what is best for his family, and I am now seeing this was the best decision for this pregnancy.

My heart's desire was to have a baby and it took a while, but here we have a beautiful baby growing inside. I do remember this and I am grateful.

One of the big disappointments of yesterday was walking away from another appointment, knowing I have an appointment scheduled for Monday July 13, which meant... we probably wouldn't meet our baby for at least another 4 days. That is hard! We are ready and waiting and anxious! 4 days seems like eternity right now and I can't even tell you how serious I am being right now.

My fears/concerns about having a cesarean:

• I want to be a mommy to many. I still don't know how many but I want at least 4 kiddos.
• I am afraid if my 1st is a c-section, my second will need to be as well.
• Getting an epidural/spinal is my only option if I want to be awake for our baby's first cry and the moment where they tell me "it's a boy/girl...". The good news about getting an epidural for a cesarean is that the epidural/spinal does NOT effect the baby at all! He/she comes out quickly after I get medicine.
• General anesthesia wouldn't affect the baby, but it would put me under and I would miss our baby's first cry and a friend told me, up to an hour of his/her life! Also, coming out of that would be a nightmare.
• The healing process of having a cesarean. It's longer.

Right now, I'm at work and someone at the desk beside me is listening to a tutorial video out loud and someone at the desk beside me is listening to kelly clarkson (in headphones but loud enough to hear). My mind is kind of overexposed, haha, so this will be it for today's blog.

Monday during worship, someone shared the verse below, saying it was a verse to meditate on for the week. During today's worship, they put this verse up again and it meant something more to me. I am going to try and trust God and whatever his will might be for our baby's delivery; cesarean or natural. We shall see soon!

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him."

1 John 5:14-15