Troubles.

A constipated baby and a still bleeding momma (not incision)...

oh boy!

Prayer Request.

My incision opened up again. This time in an entirely different spot and thankfully, smaller. By the way, when I saw "opened up" it's not a gaping wound, it's small but opened non the less. Have you ever had dry socket or an opened wound? You know that feeling when air hits it? That's the best way to describe the pain. It should heal on it's own (with cleaning). I don't understand that, but here's to hoping!

Or your prayers would be nice.

I've barely done anything to cause this tearing. However, we do own the basement of our house, which means I climb stairs when I want to use the kitchen or leave. So I use them a lot. I've only used the stroller for a few walks and when we would go shopping but that is it walking wise, because that does still hurt to do.

Anyways, my healing time is going to be a bit longer than I thought. I won't be doing crunches any time soon ;) I have another doctors appointment tomorrow to check it out.

Another prayer request is for me as I finish writing the birth story. I've been kind of apathetic and not wanting to deal with my emotions, how I am feeling about everything that happened and what I am going through. See, I have been in the process of writing it since week 2 of Chase's life. I've written the facts and the timeline of the labor and I'm now adding my emotions with it all. It's hard to find the words to describe what I was going through during that time.

This is written on the front of my journal. It perfect.

"Once you get over the fear, then it's a cinch," she said. And then she leaped into a mountainous and unexplored region of her heart. It is here where she must begin to tell her story.

You may not understand what I am talking about right now. Why is this such a big deal? I can't explain it but it's almost as though I am mourning a dream I had. I am also working through some of the questions and struggles I have with God regarding this.

Some of you have voiced your curiosity of the birth story and I will be posting it as soon as it is finished. It's mostly for me to process what we went through, but I do want to share with you. I want to keep you apart of this journey, especially if you've watched it from day one.

My Incision Drama.

So the "it's all in my head" thing I have been talking about with my incision... really isn't all in my head this time. I have been afraid of it "ripping open" and the past few days my incision felt a little different. When I would get up from a seat or move a certain way, I would feel like the right side of the incision felt odd. So last night I began to clean it with a cotton swab and alcohol as I usually do after I shower. This time it felt painful and then stung, so I grabbed a hand mirror to check it out. I still can't just it without lifting my belly flab a little bit. (It's getting smaller but definitely still have a jelly belly hiding my incision!)

I lifted the skin and saw something odd and touched the incision. Sure enough puss drained out followed by blood! I felt nauseous but remained calm and immediately went on the web. On one hand, what I researched freaked me out and then I read something that calmed me

down enough to wait to call the doctor today.

Today I forgot about it until I showered this afternoon and then this time as I swiped the cotton swab along the incision, blood covered one side of the cotton ball; enough to make me know something could be wrong. I somehow remained calm, picked up the hand mirror again and looked down to see my incision opened in one area. Then I called my doctor.

Sure enough, my incision opened a tiny bit on the right side. Dr. Hill told me that it is okay and at this point he does not need to sew me up or do a culture to "empty the infection" because I caught this in time to not get an infection. The puss wasn't a good sign, but he told me that there wasn't a pocket of puss now and that I can keep an eye on it and keep it clean. He also told me one reason for the puss could be because of water getting trapped under my belly. Sick!

So please pray that this doesn't get worse and I caught the "infection" in time before it becomes worse!

As I was blow drying my hair quickly before the appointment, I found myself saying to God "If I would have had him naturally, this wouldn't be a problem right now." I then immediately thought of this little guy and hushed up;

He is worth everything and more.

Thank you Jesus for bringing my boy safely into this world.

For that I am grateful.

Zero; A Photoshoot

Chase's 3rd week has been a lot of fun; seriously! I find myself falling more in love with this little guy; with each smirk, grin, facial expression, coo, etc. I am bias, but he is the most adorable, lovable baby. Now, don't get me wrong, we definitely have our cranky moments, hard times and rough patches! But we are adjusting well and learning and growing together as a family through these new changes.

Side note: in these photos he is wearing a "zero month" sticker. Each month we will do this. We got the idea from a friend who also did this with her kiddo. Interested? pickysticky.com

He's a pretty playful little man and now gets really excited. We're loving it!

As you can see, no worries in the weight department!

Probably one of my favourite things is his many facial expressions. He has us laughing a lot. This one I can his "stinky face". He's not upset, he just makes this face!

He enjoys looking at lights, our red walls and the "hooter hider" colors although he can only see the white, red and black right now.

He is a super alert little guy and has been since he came.

He loves looking directly into mommy's face and he's beginning to do the same with daddy. He watches our lips as we speak and our facial expressions like we are so interesting ;)

It's so true what you read about your baby's different cries and how you will learn them! Chase has many and I feel like I finally have them down; the sleepy cry, the overly tired cry, the "I'm hungry" cry (SO got that one down!), the "I want to be held" cry (which is quite pitiful and makes me laugh sometimes), the uncomfortable cry, and my least fav. the I'm in pain cry (circ week was awful).

"Quick" updates

Nights:

Each night varies, but for the most part we still have 2 "bad" nights out of 7. Not too bad. This week was different because of his 3rd week growth spurt and wanting to nurse almost literally every hour. I'm serious. One night it was literally every single hour! We slept in the next morning. It wore Chase out too! I've been told the the feeding so often this week is him building up my milk supply (even more...?!) to be able to fit his needs as he grows.

Momma:

I've had to really pray in the late evening/early morning feedings for strength and patience. I've asked God to keep reminding me that I am capable, adequate and able to do this and that I am giving life to Chase, with each feeding. You need to be reminded of these things, even though it should be so obvious, in hard/tiring times it's really not!

I had a friend share some awesome advice with me about "taking one day at a time" and finding a "new normal". So I have been doing both of those and have felt a lot better. Somedays our "new normal" is sleeping in because of a bad night, having cereal at noon, shower in the afternoon and dressed by the time daddy gets home. Somedays it's getting up early, shower, cooking a meal. Somedays it running errands and then coming home and taking a nap. You get the idea. I am loving this week though, really I am.

Healing:

I AM healing... Although I don't always believe that, it IS happening. I just feel so odd. The nerves are so touchy around my incision. Lately they've been uncomfortable and slightly painful. Normal from what I hear, but I really hate the feeling. It has only been almost a month.

Sorry this is long... but I am so relieved to be able to have time to blog (obviously)! I really enjoy it and miss it when I don't have access or time. I like to write immediately when I think of something to blog about, not days after. I feel like I am missing something I wanted to share :)

Two Weeks Old.

It's hard to believe that Chase is already two weeks old. He is getting so big too. Ted will be shocked at how much his little man has grown in one week. At his appointment Friday after we came home from the hospital he weighed 9 lbs 1 oz, which meant he didn't lose any of his birth weight and I am anxious to see what he weighs at tomorrow's check up.

Just a quick update on a few things while I have time...

Chase:

Pray for him because tomorrow he is not only getting his blood drawn but also a circumcision :/ Poor boy! They didn't want to circumcise him in the hospital because it would probably cause his blood sugar levels to drop back down due to stress and they had just gotten them up to a healthy number.

He basically eats, sleeps, poops... but when he is awake, he is so alert! I love it and can't wait for his little personality to begin to show.

Breast feeding:

I was just thinking today about how smoothly this has gone for Chase and I both. Considering the fact that from birth he was given formula and a binky immediately (both of which I didn't want him to have, but didn't have a choice), he does awesome. He learned right away how to latch on! At first he was pretty impatient because he was used to being bottle fed and the immediate flow of food, but now he is a little pro. He eats all of the time, but he is a growing boy. I am never out of milk, I'm always filled and in need of the pump or him!

We had a lactation appointment at the hospital on Monday which went really well. They weighed Chase before feeding and after to see how much milk he was getting. Usually infants eat 1 1/2- 2 oz and Chase ate 3 oz and was hungry an hour later! So I'm not too worried about his weight gain ;)

Nights:

Chase is really great at night time. I've heard horror stories so I really can't complain. He eats around 9/10 pm and then again around 2 or 3, then around 5 or 6 am. Not bad. Plus I've enjoyed getting a really early start to my day and Chase loves to cuddle after the morning feeding.... I love it.

My healing:

It's only been 15 days since he was born, and I constantly have to remind myself of that. My muscles are finally beginning to not ache as much everywhere. I know it sounds crazy, but I really do think the muscle aches were from the laboring even though they lasted a while! I usually feel like I've done a crazy workout and my muscles are feeling it, and we all know that didn't happen :)

My incision, well I finally looked at it... It does look like a wrinkle and it's a lot smaller than I imagined. I recently began to get scar tissue build up on the left end. It's a lump under my skin a little bigger than a quarter. It freaks me out, but our Doctor told me it's scar tissue so that helped my mind calm down a bit.

My stomach muscles are coming back. Weird... I really can't even explain the feeling. It's getting tight, I mean I still have what I am calling a "jelly belly" but I can feel my muscles, especially around my incision.

I am getting in and out of bed, chairs, the car, etc... a lot better now. I can bend and pick most things up on my own now too. I really believe which each new day I feel better and better.

I still have a long ways to go, but I am beginning to feel hopeful that I can get back to feeling great and like my old self again.

Chase is super precious and making this all worth while. I hope someday you all get a chance to meet our sweet boy!

Here They Come...

Tears galore.

As if I couldn't possibly get anymore emotional...I did. Shocking, huh?

Yesterday was incredibly emotional. I am running on a few hours of sleep per day, so that doesn't really help much.

Baby blues didn't fully take effect on me until yesterday. And it hit me full blown. I've cried only a few times since Chase was born. Mostly because Chase was in the NICU and not with me.

My birth story tears:

I will write the birth story at some point, maybe tomorrow. It's just a lot to process right now and I am torn between being completely real or cutting a lot of my true feelings out of it. In fact, remembering the birth story was the majority of why I was crying a lot yesterday.

It's all begun to settle in. I feel disappointed in myself. I'm believing a lot of lies right now. Well, according to my husband.

My baby tears:

I was also crying because my little guy eats all of the time. I really am not exagerating. I knew that infants eat a lot and it's become such a reality to me now. I was crying mostly because if he is awake and in my arms he thinks he must eat. Sometimes I want to just hold him while he is wide eyed and awake and have him cuddle that way.

I am torn though because I love the way he looks up at me when he is eating. One thing he does though, is latch on and then look up at me... he doesn't really eat, only sucks as if I am a binky. I think it comforts him, but I'm wondering if this is a bad idea... I'm just confused and learning a lot right now. It's really overwhelming, but I do feel like I have a routine kicking in and I am adjusting.

I also need to remember that it's only been 12 days... wow.

I love his little grins and the way he looks up at me. I truly do. I am thankful for him, I really am! Please don't get me wrong. I'm just emotional and wondering what is normal and what isn't. I'm learning how to be a momma and how to best love my son.

My body tears:

Another thing I was crying about it my body. It feels like I've stepped into another person's body. I feel so awfully huge compared to my natural weight.My appetite just kicked in again since delivery, and I am hungry all of the time... well at least after most times breast feeding. I feel like I will never ever get my shape/figure back! I'm serious, how?

Also, my body aches pretty terrible sometimes, when I over work myself. Honestly though it's been less than two weeks and I am feeling great. I really thought I would recover incredibly slow and I am surprised each day with how much better I am feeling.

Chase is so helpless right now, it's incredible how much a little being needs me!

Ahhh, he is SO lovable though. And that helps this entire process a ton.

I'm thankful for time to blog today. Phew.... I guess I needed to.

Water Weight & Other Things.

My legs the day we left the hospital; 07/22

My legs with most of the water weight gone; 7/29

While in labor I put on massive water weight. I mean a lot. In my hands, feet, ankles, thighs, face, etc... It kinda of makes sense, because I was being pumped full of liquids for 40 hours plus while in recovery.

While in recovery they realized it really wasn't getting any better, so they gave me Lasix to help me get rid of some of the water weight. It made me feel nauseous and it also made me pee like none other. Did it help? No!

When Dr. Hill saw my legs he asked them to weigh me and I weighed 8 pounds MORE than I did when I came into the hospital pregnant with our almost 9 pound Chase!! I cried. That's the last thing I wanted... more weight.

Yesterday they weighed me in the office and I was nervous. I knew the my ankles were starting to show that I have bones, and that in the evening I sweat awfully while sleeping, so I did have an idea that it was coming off. When they weighed me yesterday I was thrilled to watch as the scale read the lowest I've seen in months! In fact, from when they had weighed me only 5 days before, I had lost 28 pounds!

It's actually kind of sick to think about. That's a TON of water weight, well and Chase's weight, placenta, etc.

I wasn't my ideal weight before getting prego, so I would still like to drop 30-35 pounds... but realistically I will set my goal for 20 lbs.

That's my babbling for today! Birth story coming soon. I'm still a little sensitive about it and it's hard to begin to write it out. Soon!

Life outside the Womb.

He falls asleep instantly when I hold him like this. It's a lifesaver, plus I love snuggling him.

Light hair like his daddy, at least for right now.

I adore him smiles, even if it is just gas.

He already has little rolls!

Property of me, haha. His little heels and toes are still sore from being pricked before every feeding since being born. (To check his glucose levels)

His going home outfit. It was 3 mo. but I couldn't resist putting it on him!

Here we go! I was incredibly thrilled.

Lil gangsta (JK, let's hope not)

Holding his binky in.

I can't even express how much I love this little guy.

Chilling.

So strong.

Feed me momma!

I will post more as they come and as I find time. My mom is spending next week with me because Ted has to go out of town for a week :( , Anyways, she is going to help me write our birth story. It's gonna be one loooong blog I'm afraid. I'm hoping writing it out with help me to process it better and also help me to really want to have more kids later WITHOUT fear. Cause right now I still want more kiddos, but I am afraid to be honest.

More later... oh wait...

Healing/recovery is going okay. I feel like I've stepped into another person's body. I've cried a lot, I won't lie. It's such a transition. My muscles are still recovering from labor and they are quite achy. My incision, I still haven't looked at because it freaks me out. It's such a mental thing for me, I need to get over that one. Ted says it shocks him how small it is and how it just looks like a wrinkle now. Interesting, but not enough to look at it. Also, please pray for me, because I've had the hardest time, em... going number 2. In fact I really haven't. Not enough to count for anything. I am going to research some natural ways to get things going... any tips?

I don't think I've had to ask for this much help in my entire life. I have to ask help for almost everything. The only thing I do not as help for, it getting up and down from chairs, bed, the car, etc. Because my nurses told me that I need to do it myself. Supposably I will heal faster if I just get myself moving. Ouch though. I've been loving the pain killers but am slowly weening myself off of them. They aren't helping the constipation plus I don't need to become addicted :)

Chase is gonna wake up soon to eat. Take care!