Tears galore.
As if I couldn't possibly get anymore emotional...I did. Shocking, huh?
Yesterday was incredibly emotional. I am running on a few hours of sleep per day, so that doesn't really help much.
Baby blues didn't fully take effect on me until yesterday. And it hit me full blown. I've cried only a few times since Chase was born. Mostly because Chase was in the NICU and not with me.
My birth story tears:
I will write the birth story at some point, maybe tomorrow. It's just a lot to process right now and I am torn between being completely real or cutting a lot of my true feelings out of it. In fact, remembering the birth story was the majority of why I was crying a lot yesterday.
It's all begun to settle in. I feel disappointed in myself. I'm believing a lot of lies right now. Well, according to my husband.
My baby tears:
I was also crying because my little guy eats all of the time. I really am not exagerating. I knew that infants eat a lot and it's become such a reality to me now. I was crying mostly because if he is awake and in my arms he thinks he must eat. Sometimes I want to just hold him while he is wide eyed and awake and have him cuddle that way.
I am torn though because I love the way he looks up at me when he is eating. One thing he does though, is latch on and then look up at me... he doesn't really eat, only sucks as if I am a binky. I think it comforts him, but I'm wondering if this is a bad idea... I'm just confused and learning a lot right now. It's really overwhelming, but I do feel like I have a routine kicking in and I am adjusting.
I also need to remember that it's only been 12 days... wow.
I love his little grins and the way he looks up at me. I truly do. I am thankful for him, I really am! Please don't get me wrong. I'm just emotional and wondering what is normal and what isn't. I'm learning how to be a momma and how to best love my son.
My body tears:
Another thing I was crying about it my body. It feels like I've stepped into another person's body. I feel so awfully huge compared to my natural weight.My appetite just kicked in again since delivery, and I am hungry all of the time... well at least after most times breast feeding. I feel like I will never ever get my shape/figure back! I'm serious, how?
Also, my body aches pretty terrible sometimes, when I over work myself. Honestly though it's been less than two weeks and I am feeling great. I really thought I would recover incredibly slow and I am surprised each day with how much better I am feeling.
Chase is so helpless right now, it's incredible how much a little being needs me!
Ahhh, he is SO lovable though. And that helps this entire process a ton.
I'm thankful for time to blog today. Phew.... I guess I needed to.
2 comments:
lyric loved to soothe. for several of the first days she pretty much tried to nurse all day every day and then she did and it wore me out! plus she was over fed and uncomfortable and wouldn't fall asleep unless she was sucking on something. I finally was saved by the pacifier and now she still sucks her thumb and she's 2! Some babies really love to sooth suck but if they use their mommy to do so it can be hard!
jami i am just back to my pre-preggo weight and a figure I'm happy with...and Atticus just turned 8 months...you'll get there :)
Hey, you've been on my heart all day after reading your blog earlier. Im praying for you, and im sure its a whole new world, but you are doing great! And you have an AMAZING son! Dont stress about getting the birth story out so quickly, i was actually shocked you were trying to do it so quickly. I mean it was a LONG and unexpected delivery, and its going to take time to sort out everything that happened along with all the emotions. :) And one thing Dan tells me when im (CONSTANTLY) getting down about my body is, its taken 9 months to get to where it is, you gave birth which is a big change so quickly, just give it time to recover. I know its hard, but you will, your not the kind of person to just not care and let yourself go. RECOVER, and your body will naturally start to go back. :) We all know you LOVE your little man so much, there is NO doubt, just relax and figure out the mommy stuff and your little boy! We love you and are praying for you! :)
Ash
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